I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
So. Much. Porn.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
