dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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