I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
Green mimosas i think yes
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
