I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
