I didn't shave. On purpose
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
