I think i peed on brittanys purse
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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