This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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