did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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