Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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