You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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