my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
