do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
