final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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