I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
