My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
