even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
lol hangovers are for mortals.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
