So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Randomize
