I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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