I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
