I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
