my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Randomize