I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
