Your dad touched me again.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
