3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
