I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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