Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
