and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
