So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
