I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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