white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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