just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
