I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
