Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
