I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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