i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
