omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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