i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
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Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
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