Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
