My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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