I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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