cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Randomize
