I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
