I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
