Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
