how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Randomize
