At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
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