is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
