you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Randomize
