sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
