somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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