1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
