I'm skeptical of all drag queens.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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