Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
