Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
