drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
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