Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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