Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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