I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
