this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
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