so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I fill condoms, not promises.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Randomize
