Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
