FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
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