i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
Randomize
