Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
