just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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