Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
